Feeling alone on Valentine’s Day (or any other day)? You’ve likely heard all the usual advice for coping with loneliness—text a friend, snuggle with your pet, or try a new hobby. Instead of quick fixes, what if we look to deeper wisdom? In this article, we explore four Great Thinkers’ perspectives on loneliness and its antidote.
Introduction
If you’re feeling alone on Valentine’s Day—or any other day of the year—you’re not the only one. Loneliness has become a defining condition of modern life, according to research. The loneliness epidemic isn’t just about being physically isolated; it’s about a lack of meaningful relationships, a sense of disconnection from the world, and an inability to find comfort in solitude.
You’ve probably heard all the usual advice for coping with loneliness—text a friend, snuggle with your pet, or try a new hobby. But these suggestions often treat loneliness as a temporary state to be distracted from. Instead of quick fixes, what if we look to deeper wisdom? Ahead, we’ll discuss perspectives from four Great Thinkers on loneliness and its antidote.
Kondo: Focus on What You Do Have
Loneliness is a sense of lacking something—you feel the absence of connection, companionship, or belonging. Maybe you’re lonely because you’ve let go of some relationships that no longer served you—friendships that faded, romances that ended, or communities that no longer felt like home. Rather than seeing this as a loss, what if you reframed it as intentional decluttering?
In The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, Marie Kondo reminds us that emptiness can illuminate what you do have. She explains that her tidying philosophy is about keeping only what “sparks joy”—items that serve a purpose or bring genuine happiness—while letting go of the rest.
You can apply this to your relationships, too. By letting go of unfulfilling connections, you’ve made room for the meaningful relationships that are yet to come. And in the meantime, you can focus on appreciating the relationships that remain and nurturing the connections that truly enrich your life.
Kondo also encourages you to pay attention to the objects around you. Her tidying philosophy is influenced by Shinto beliefs, which emphasize the harmony between people and their environment. But you don’t need to subscribe to Shinto to see yourself as part of the material world and connect with your surroundings.
Try engaging more intentionally with your environment—for example, by tidying your space, arranging sentimental items, or simply noticing the beauty in what you already have. This can help you recognize that you’re not alone; you’re surrounded by things that support and comfort you.
To take this a step further, think about all the items you acquired from people who cared about you. This shows how you’re part of a network of relationships and touchpoints that stays with you, even when you’re alone.
Watts: Let Go of Your Ego and Go With the Flow
Similarly to Kondo, religious scholar Alan Watts encourages you to see yourself as part of the complex web of everything that exists. In The Book, Watts argues that our sense of separateness from others is an illusion. In reality, he says, we’re all part of the united Cosmic Being—and more than that, we’re each a unique expression of the Cosmic Being (in much the same way that mushrooms are manifestations of a united fungal network, as Merlin Sheldrake reasons in Entangled Life).
If that’s true, then why do you sometimes feel lonely? Watts would say it’s because your ego—the part of you that identifies as a stable, independent entity—creates an illusion of isolation that prevents you from seeing how intimately connected you are to the rest of the world.
To overcome your false sense of isolation, Watts recommends abandoning your ego. In The Wisdom of Insecurity, he explains that we cling to our egos because we fear our fundamental insecurity—the fact that everything, including ourselves, is impermanent and subject to change. But resisting this reality only exacerbates anxiety, Watts argues; it’s better to accept that everything is ephemeral and learn how to go with the flow.
Going with the flow means living in the moment according to your body’s wisdom, just as an animal would do. Eat, sleep, and do other activities when your body tells you it’s time, instead of waiting for a socially acceptable time. As you practice living this way, you’ll develop a deep, bodily understanding of the fact that you’re not apart from the world but a part of the world.
Another strategy for relinquishing your ego and learning to go with the flow is meditation, a practice Watts was instrumental in popularizing in the West. In The Way of Zen, Watts recommends mindfulness (“za-zen”) meditation as a way to become more attuned to the moment.
You can also use meditation to combat loneliness head-on. Nondual awareness meditation is a kind of meditation that dissolves the boundary your ego erects between self and other. As such, it helps you directly experience the fundamental unity of existence Watts describes.
Thoreau: Embrace Solitude
While Watts encourages us to overcome loneliness by recognizing that we’re not alone, philosopher Henry David Thoreau suggests that the antidote to loneliness can be found in true solitude—time spent alone, away from the bustle of society, engrossed in nature, meaningful work, or quiet contemplation.
In Walden, Thoreau explains how during his two years living alone, he discovered that solitude is a gateway to deeper connection. In these moments of chosen aloneness, he felt more attuned to both himself and the world around him. Without the distractions of social obligations and idle chatter, he could focus entirely on nature’s rhythms and his inner voice, which gave him a profound sense of belonging in the world.
In contrast, Thoreau observed that, somewhat counterintuitively, people often feel most lonely when they’re constantly surrounded by others. He believed that our superficial social interactions and unfulfilling work obligations can create a kind of spiritual emptiness that manifests in loneliness.
So, in Thoreau’s view, the solution to loneliness isn’t to seek out more company. Instead, he’d recommend embracing two kinds of deliberate solitude:
First, he suggests cultivating a relationship with nature by paying close attention to it and living in the present. For example, you could take daily walks in nature and mindfully observe the plants, animals, and weather patterns, or tend a garden and notice how it changes with the seasons.
Second, he suggests connecting with yourself by learning more about who you are, devoting yourself to meaningful work and activities, and seeking life’s truths through contemplation. For example, you might keep a journal or pursue a creative passion like writing or painting.
Brooks: Get to Know Someone You Already Know
You don’t necessarily have to retreat into solitude to overcome loneliness—in fact, according to cultural critic David Brooks, that might be counterproductive. In How to Know a Person, Brooks asserts that the loneliness epidemic is partially a result of our collective failure to get to know each other.
According to Brooks, many people who feel lonely already have potential connections in their lives—they just haven’t invested the time and effort to develop them into meaningful relationships. Your life is likely full of people you see regularly but know only superficially: neighbors you wave to, coworkers you make small talk with, relatives you rarely catch up with, and so on.
Brooks suggests that you must move beyond surface-level interactions with these people and start engaging with them more deeply. To truly know someone, he explains, is to see them as an individual, appreciate their perspective and life story, and recognize their inherent worth as a human being.
So, to overcome loneliness, try some of Brooks’s strategies for getting to know people better. For example, instead of exchanging pleasantries the next time you see your neighbor, invite them out for coffee and ask them about their life story. According to Brooks, making an effort to understand others more deeply—and letting them understand you in return—is key to creating the meaningful connections that dispel loneliness.
Great Thinkers’ Advice for Overcoming Loneliness
- Marie Kondo (The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up): Instead of focusing on what’s missing from your life, appreciate the meaningful relationships that already surround you (including your relationships with physical objects).
- Alan Watts (The Book, The Wisdom of Insecurity, The Way of Zen): Loneliness is an illusion created by the ego—so let go of your separate self, learn to go with the flow, and experience your innate connection to everything.
- Henry David Thoreau (Walden): Superficial connections make us lonely; connect with nature and yourself by embracing solitude.
- David Brooks (How to Know a Person): Don’t seek new connections—instead, transform the shallow relationships you already have into deeper ones.
Sources
- Image: cottonbro studio
- Shortform: Why Are Americans So Lonely?
- HuffPost: What White, Western Audiences Don’t Understand About Marie Kondo’s ‘Tidying Up’
- Merlin Sheldrake: Entangled Life
- Encyclopedia Britannica: Alan Watts
- FitMind: Nondual Awareness: Science & Meditation Techniques
